The Daily Post's new blogger Judge Mental has just dispatched another briefing from inside Liverpool Crown Court. Here it is:
All that crazy talk about aliens landing, Daleks and Davros last week got me thinking. It was a nice feeling, if a little strange.
On to this week’s thrilling instalment from inside the, um, bowels of Liverpool Crown Court. Yes, the football season’s just kicked off and court was all a flutter this week with the grunts and squeals of the annual ushers versus barristers kick-about in the corridors using a much missed judge’s wig as a ball. It wasn’t on his head at the time, which was a pity.
But seriously, talking of much missed judges (and there’s a phrase you hear everyday) I think the time is right for me to kick off my own campaign as well.
We all know there’s plenty of work that needs doing in Liverpool crown court and the second floor is being refurbished. But there’s a gaping hole on the fifth floor that’s been there since the end of March.
No I’m not taking about the crumbling building (or the much more sturdy apple crumble in the canteen) but someone who was part of the furniture who is very much missed.
Since esteemed Judge Denis Clark retired, the gaff just hasn’t been the same. This Birkenhead chap was a breath of fresh air (which you don’t get in Birkenhead) and reigned for more than 18 years until he retired three months ago aged 63.
Why bring him back? Well, unlike some judges I could mention - although not by name, that would be daft, they are judges after all and I ain’t looking to end up in stir – The Big D had the common touch. He had no times for airs and Graces, whoever they are, but had a stack of clever quotes at his disposal which he used often. His courtrooms were always entertaining even if the accused was as dull as a limp salmon. (Note to self: I wish they would make the effort sometimes, must provoke them to).
Witness this 100 per cent true exchange between the Big D and a barrister, here disguised as Mr Barrister (not his real name) The scene: a courtroom is heavy with the air of expectation.....
Mr Barrister: Excuse me, your honour, but if I may just-
Denis (sharply): What is it now?
Mr Barrister: A thought just crossed my mind.
Denis raises an eyebrow and turns to the jury with wry smile and a twinkle in his eye.
Denis: Quick journey was it?
To drum up support for my worthy campaign I am going to stand in the foyer (I never actually leave the court building, except to vote in Euro elections) and use the theme from the 70s disco classic D-I-S-C-O by Ottawan. Terrible name, but great song. And I want you to join me.
All together now: D-E-N-I-S, d-e-n-i-s, D-EN-I-S, d-e-n-i-s,
D - Delirious
E - Engaging
N – Ni-i-i-ice
I - Incredible
S - Such a great sentencer...etc....
The coda I was thinking of incorporating is a variation on Handel’s Messiah and a mass choir of free range chickens. Well, maybe it needs a bit of work. Among other things I will be polishing, I will be polishing the lyrics in the coming weeks, so don’t forget to drop by. And remember court fans – it’s better to burn out than....than.....now what was it?
Check out Judge Mental's blog at www.judgemental.merseyblogs.co.uk